Meanwhile...let's fast-forward 1.5 years later

I haven't written or blogged in a really long time and since I took the day off, I thought I should write. Wonderful day out; so I'm sitting inside with the windows drawn closed. ha. ;) (I will get that Vitamin D and Sea later!)

Recent developments - I was feeling pretty lost for the past couple of years and I think I'm in a transitional stage of accepting my past (not that it was bleak or anything like that!) and totally savouring the present moment - regardless what it may look like. hehehe

When I turned 33 in early Feb, I realised I was unhappy, lost and unsure about everything; especially about myself. I felt alone and like no one understood me. Impatient, annoyed, and I'm sure, not very good company...this has been building for the past 2 years ever since I decided that Life was bigger than certain beliefs in an organised religion and dabbling in different theories (no, I can't levitate, we have aeroplanes for that :D ). I still believe there is a Higher Power (till Science gives it a name) so I do believe the Universe has its own agenda in that sense.

Talked to a few close friends but I didn't seem to be going anywhere about anything. Nothing made sense anymore. The sense of betrayal, anger and hurt was overwhelming because I have been suppressing it over the years without even realising it was there. 

Whilst unsure of my future path, I just wanted to quit (literally everything; career, people, life in general) and just move someplace quiet. Fortunately, along my irrationality, my sister came through. She told me before I do anything, find out what you REALLY like to do instead. She recommended using an online study portal, Coursera. That, I did. I have always been interested in psychology, but it was always touch and go on this topic with me; I learn it through interaction with others and through articles (I minored in it, it was fascinating, but I remember jack about it!). So was sifting through the classes that they had and then this course stood out for me: A Life of Happiness and Fulfillment. What? There is such a course? I'm generally a happy person, but I never realised or acknowledged Happiness. It irked my curiosity, and since I wasn't feeling that Happy recently, why not right? 

In retrospect, I'm really happy I took the course. It has helped me tremendously in managing certain emotions and having certain tools that can be used to have Happiness as part of your life. The course is generally light-hearted, and has scientific back-up on the topics that was being shared. "Lecture" videos are generally short, roughly 10 minutes per session, so it will be ideal for those who are working or have their schedules tight. I haven't taken a study course in close to 10 years (the last was a summer course in Spain when I just started working in '07) - I must say, I actually miss it. :O I had temporary purpose and looked forward to watch the videos. The gist of the course would be the 7 Deadly Sins of Happiness (what causes us to be unhappy) and the 7 Habits of the Highly Happy. It made sense to me. I could say I was guilty of 85% of the Unhappy Habits. It was enlightening. I was very unaware of Me. These Sins were very general - It was a good awakening to not to personalise things - we are not as alone as we think we are. 

Reading the Power of Now about 3 years ago and a couple more of Eckhart Tolle's books have given me a different perspective in life, but I think I never truly understood it (if I did then, then my mind has overanalysed it and just messed it up, yay). I got it in theory, but never really practised it. I tried, but I think I wasn't grasping what it was. Understanding myself better now, I need to do things "right", and can get fixated about it. So that was the deal, I got upset with myself (usually) because if there was a situation where it was stressful, I *tried* practising focusing on the present moment and when the situation blows up, I get upset because I wasn't getting the peace of mind I *expected* to get and then it wasn't helping anyone to begin with. So it just aided me into going down the depressive slide hole even more.

The Course helped me to see things in a more positive perspective. I genuinely felt happier. I realised I have been living a very stressful life thanks to my own doing (I'm not hating myself for it though, it's cause I wasn't even aware about it).  Along the course, I read an article in a local newspaper and I connected with the journalist who wrote it (whom I call a friend now) who I must say, added a lot of knowledge on mindfulness (this is one of the Highly Happy Habit) and fun in my life's journey. I think connecting with another person who is practicing mindfulness helps me. It's a real person in comparison to the texts on pages and videos on the net. 

So after the course ended, they had an optional 6-week Mindfulness Meditation Course led by Dr.Swati Desai . Since I joined the course later, I missed this - however, there were recorded videos of the 6 weeks on Youtube. It was exciting!! She actually shared the origin, scientific findings, philosophical and how mindfulness became secular. She recommended books and authors regarding this as well. Through these 6 weeks she introduced mindfulness activities, different type of meditations (serious and also the open awareness ones). Practicing or doing the meditation in oppose to just reading about being mindful really made a difference for me. It was an interesting journey. Week one was fun as we did mindfulness activities together, week 2 was the Breath Awareness Meditation and Week 3 was on Body Sensation meditation - she also inserted a little on Walking Meditation and Anxiety Meditation. Week 4 - I fell asleep. haha! It was on Loving Kindness Compassion Meditation. What I learnt from this (thanks to my friend!) was that I shouldn't be too hard on myself on it. Week 5 was on Gratitude and Week 6 was on Open Awareness Meditation. I've grown fond of Dr.Swati and I feel connected to her. 

Over the 6 weeks, I had interesting experiences while meditating - half the time I was asleep, the other half was actually amazing. Focusing and acknowledging circumstances, and not doing anything about it was something I learnt. It helped me in real life not to rush through things. That itch can wait.

I understand that mindfulness actually helps me to understand the situation better and not to judge it. In between, my sister will try to agitate me (she's a natural born prankster) and she calls Dr.Swati "Aunty" (very respectful term where I come from :p) and teases me on it whenever she can. I love Aunty! lolll It was actually funny. I did get annoyed but it wasn't worth getting upset about. :D An incident happened recently (not with my sister) that I was pleasantly surprised by my reaction. I wrote to Dr.Swati about it and she actually replied me (I was totally fan-girling lol) and said that was the intention of meditation and she encouraged me to continue practicing. She has an App called 2Meditate & a website that you can use to connect with others and meditate together. I installed it, but haven't started trying it yet. 

The 6 weeks ended on Tuesday for me. She has follow up weekly videos. So I am looking forward to watch that.

I attended a workshop that introduced to me about the Enneagram - an interesting personality tool. I'll write about this another time if I feel like it.

So, here I am at this point in time. Discovering, learning and practicing. What does the future hold? I don't know. And that's ok. Right about now, I'm going to post this while enjoying my ginger lemon drink and listening to Linkin Park. (yes; nothing has changed, yet it has.)