What are you searching for?

.. that was the question that was asked to me over the past week. 

"Myself" - I answered. The questioner wasn't very pleased with the answer. Dug even more and made me talk more about it.

The question was asked again.."I don't know" - I said. Talked more about finding happiness since I "lost" it and "myself" over the past couple of years. 

The following day, it was asked again.. "To find the meaning in life (I suppose)" - who am I, what is my purpose.. 

No one asked me these questions before, I felt uncomfortable and drained trying to answer it. I don't have an answer to please the questioner. That wasn't the intention. The intention was to make me aware of why I did certain things in the past and understand it and to ensure it doesn't happen again in the future (so I don't fall into the same cycle). I appreciate that. I am cared for so much.

However, I do believe that this journey is for me to experience on my own - I'm not sure if this is pride or selfishness, but there are guides along the way that show us the way. I'm not doubting this Questioner is part of a bigger plan to trigger me into thinking more. Being told doesn't work for me anymore. Listening to what has been told, having an open mind and trying it out works better for me now at this point in time in my life. Therefore, I am accepting the fact that I need to listen and not disregard what has been told just because my mind doesn't want to deal with it. I read a quote somewhere - when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Oww.

I went through some emotions because of this question - annoyance, discomfort, anger (that bubbled up much later). My current buzz of feeling peace was disrupted - it was GOOD actually. It's a test to see how I will manage when things aren't that consistent. It's helping me to identify the emotions that I normally disregard or suppress. It's progress. I also noticed that I didn't take it too personally when the question was asked. However, when it became quite frequent, I started to feel annoyed, and I was taking it personally again. I'm glad I can notice this now, instead of going down the path of ruminating and thinking something is wrong with me. I'm learning to write down my emotions when I feel it, when it is unpleasant - and not to judge myself for feeling it. I'm learning to be honest to myself. 

Thanks to the questioner, I did get some insights on the question regarding what I did in the past that made me go down that path of unhappiness. I got it yesterday. I'm not going to be harsh to myself for going through what I did. The past is the past - understand it and I'm not going to be angry with myself if I fall back down the path of unhappiness. No judgement. It just is. A lot of it boils down to my personality, and I understand now. 

What Am I Searching For? The answer evolves in time with what I am seeking for.

I'm not searching for a definite answer to last me a lifetime. That I am quite sure of. :)

I'll end with a poem by Julia Nelson (shared by Dr.Swati). This pretty much makes sense to me right about now. I seem to be in between 3 & 4.